How to give a cat/dog a pill - Or..... When a joke is not a joke

Sunday, September 9, 2007 - Feast of Saint Peter Claver

I hope everyone had a blessed Feast of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary! Happy Birthday Blessed Mother!

We have two cats. My friend sent the following "joke" - only, it is not really a joke, not if you have had to do it!

I remember one incident in particular. One of the cats had to go on some medicine. The vet warned us to avoid letting the cat taste the pill - for some reason dogs don't mind the taste, but cats HATE it, and remember forever that they hate it! He told us that normally, cats are boarded at the clinic while they are on the medicine, because of the extreme difficulty in administering the pills. I assured him that we could handle it. The first few times there were no issues. Then, the cat tasted it. I will save you from the gory details, but I will tell you that I was eating my words. I was determined to not let this 8 pound creature get the best of me! I came up with a technique involving wrapping the cat in a heavy towel - all of her except her head. It was not easy [mind you, her teeth were still exposed], and it took more than one person, but we did it. She quickly figured out that towels equaled torture & would fight tooth & nail [literally] to get away. One day we were having more difficulty than usual. Someone else happened to be at the house at that time, so I drafted him to help. I gave him the towel to wrap the cat in. The "manly man" he was, he refused it - after all, he was a man & his job entailed working with cats on almost a daily basis. Result? He mopped up his blood with the towel, while I went to get another towel to wrap the cat in. And yes, I enjoyed saying, "I told you so!"

Now, the joke:

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.